Me Too.

I don't do "sexy".
I don't engage with attraction.
I am not desired.
I am not desirable.

Since the early teenage years of this life, I publicly projected an image of disconnection from anything even related to sex, or sexiness.
I purposefully painted an energetic sign across my field, which boldy read
"DO NOT DESIRE ME."

To be sexy was to be dangerous, it seemed.
To be in danger.
To put one's own self and others at risk.
Sexiness was something which, to me, resonated of damage. 
Of harm.
Of loss.
Of fear.
Of shame.

Sexuality was a tool, that is what I was taught to believe as a child.
A tool which was most often used for manipulation, or for destruction.
Like a double-edged sword, one which no one seemed to me to be fully cognizant of how to safely wield.

Society and family demonstrated implicitly, in my formative years, how truly powerful sexuality was.
How much power I held, as a female bodied individual.
The power to tempt, to coerce, to tease.
The power to break, to bend, to exploit. 

Concomitant, rape culture made it crystal clear to me that, were I to consciously tap into the power which I held, my actions would be considered shameful and wrong, as well as fraught with terrible risk. That if I allowed myself to be desired and desirable, I would not only be leading others on in a cruel, hurtful, malicious way, I would also be "asking for it."

I first experienced sexual assault in this life at 8 years old. I was terrified, and ashamed. Surely, I thought, I had been asking for it. Perhaps I had not been careful enough. Not aware enough of my own magnetic, destructive power. I had no idea what I'd experienced, what to call it, or why it happened. I just knew that it was bad, that it was my fault, and that I should've been more careful. To not lead anyone on. To not be a tease.

Over the subsequent decade, episodes of similar trauma, and the resulting feelings of being simultaneously violated, injured, AND profoundly at fault, were recapitulated many, many times. Each instance with greater, and more lasting severity.
Until the simple act of another Being witnessing me in a manner which resonated even vaguely with attraction was triggering.

Because I believed, without a second thought, that my own, seemingly recalcitrant sexiness was to blame with regard to my feeling unsafe, violated, fearful and shameful, I sought inwardly for boundaries. I sought to remove my apparent attractiveness from the inside out. Deep self-doubt and insecurity translated to crushingly low self-worth, and an ever shorter leash on my peronal allowance of attraction.

In the flow of nearly 20 years engaged in the dimensional realm of sex, it never occurred to me that creating mindful, honest, external boundaries was an essential part of a healthy relationship with human sexuality. Even after I became keenly aware of the fact that ANY human being could, hypothetically, walk down a busy street TOTALLY nude, and STILL not be "asking for it"... I continued to seek only for an ever larger and more explicit "do not desire me" sign.

The consensual partners with whom I connected over the years all had one thing in common: they either could not read the sign, or chose to ignore it. This reality did nothing for my self-esteem, nor my nonexistent sense of having boundaries worth respecting. That being said, it added to both the lessons and blessings of this lifetime. 

It made the magnitude of my eventual (r)evolution far greater.

I once thought that perhaps I had done something truly grotesque in a past life, accrued a karmic debt which was being paid back through trauma, and victimization.
Not so.

I know now, that on a fundamental, scientific level, energy which is inhibited from flowing is amplified. This is basic physics. 
I actively restricted and denied the heathly energy of sexuality for much of this life. Meaning, I inhibited the flow of sexual energy through my field. By so doing, I made myself a magnet for opportunities to flip that script and allow for energy to flow with grace and ease.

I set myself up for opportunity after opportunity to stand in my true power, at long last.

Now, I am blessed beyond words to look over a timeline, rich with learning experiences, and teaching stories.
Now, I dwell in endless gratitude for ALL of this epic dance called life, and for the gift of each choreographed partner along the way.
Now, I have extensively, and righteously learned to create ROCK-SOLID boundaries (both physical and energetic), while also allowing energy to flow.
Now, I am able to responsibly allow myself to be desirable, without fear of severe consequences. Without feeling that I owe anything to anyone else. 
Now, I get to be embodied as sexy and sovereign, simultaneously. 

Now, I STAND in my power, and it feels fucking GLORIOUS. 

How cool is that?
❤
© EJB 2017