"Good Mom"

I was recently guided to drop deeply into the innate wisdom of my innermost Being, to pose the question "Beloved, what holds me back from living, loving and creating in pure joy, always and in all ways?"

In a meditative space, I asked.
The response, at first, was static, unclear.
There was a resistance.
So I dove deeper into my Heart's wisdom, became very quiet, and asked again.
With the second asking, the answer came swift, with stunning force and crystal clarity which knocked the wind out of me.
...dropped me, weeping, to my trembling knees.

"YOUR ATTACHMENT TO BEING A GOOD MOM."

I was dumbfounded.
THIS is what blocks me?

I dove deeper.
"OK. Yes, Beloved. What else?"

I AM a good mom.
I am a fucking GREAT mom.
I passionately sculpt all that I am and all that I do around a FIERCELY dedicated devotion to caring for the child who came to me and through me, two years ago. I show up to parenting and shepherding this child with the HIGHEST caliber of loving excellence which I am conceivably able to bring to the table, in EVERY moment, and with EVERY breath.
This brilliant child's well-being is my TOP priority, in EVERY way.

Deeper.
"Yes, and what else?"

Ok, so... I never wanted to be a mom.
I adamantly resisted the archetype of motherhood for much of this life.
At 18 years old, I was told that I would likely never be able to conceive children. "Good", I said.

Then, this shining Starseed came to me.
This blindingly bright little light coalesced within my womb, and suddenly my world was turned UPSIDE DOWN. In an instant, everything I had thought I knew was shattered. I knew only one thing for certain: I HAD to bring this luminous Being Earthside.
I walked through FIRE to do so. Battled demons, and braved valleys of PROFOUND darkness to do so.
I did not know why.
I only knew that I had to.

Deeper.
"Yes, and?"

The alchemical process of becoming this RADIANT child's mother broke me open, and razed what my life had previously been TO THE GROUND.
This magnificent child choosing me as a gateway onto this plane(t) left me breathless, shaken, naked, and forever changed.
...in the very best of ways.

Becoming Mother was the most activating, excruciating, awakening, illuminating, humbling, transformative experience of this life. For me, it was an initiation of STARSPLITTING magnitude. 
"Grateful" does not even BEGIN to convey what I feel towards this tiny bodhisattva.
Being her mother is a privilege beyond measure, and the greatest pleasure I have ever known.
I love her with ALL that I am, and ALL that I am is for her.

Even deeper.
"Yes, and?"

Every breath in the flow has been for her.
All I ever was, and all I ever will be, for her.
This Being.
This Light.
This Heartbreakingly, Earth-shakingly, mind-numbingly magical Being is of the wisest and most wonderful whom I have ever been blessed to know.
She is alchemy. Pure and true.
She is the greatest teacher, and the strongest embodied medicine whom I have ever walked with, in ANY lifetime.
She is a wisdom keeper of the HIGHEST order.

For her, I did what I could NEVER do for myself. For her, learned to stand in my power, and to uphold impeccable boundaries. For her, I FINALLY and definitively accepted my Soul's purpose. For her, I became the Being I was BORN to be. For her, I transmuted all of my wavering "yes's, into POWERFUL "no's".
For her, I transmuted all of my constricting "no's", into EXPANSIVE "yes's". 

"All of them?"
Ahhhhh... there it is. There we are.
Just deep enough.

The blockage was not in my attachment to being a "good mom"... Rather, in my aversion to being a "bad mom".

I have been pushing the shadow of motherhood away for 2 years. Saying "no" to the mother who tries her very best, yet never feels herself to measure up.

The mother who locks herself in the bathroom, just to get a moment to breathe.
The mother who weeps silently in the night for all she gave up, in order to be present with her child.
The mother who allows her own internal process to diminish her external patience.
The mother who breaks down in the middle of dinner, bawling like her newborn baby, whispering over and over and over again "I can't do this".
The mother who digs down into the depths of her Soul for strength, and comes up Heartbreakingly short.
The mother who slips. 
The mother who falls.
The mother who fails.
I shunned her. Cast her out.
I insisted on embodying all of the light, and none of the shadow of motherhood. 

When we say "no" to feeling fully into a particular frequency within the spectrum of this human experience, we inhibit the flow of that frequency to and through our field.
When we say "I AM this, and am NOT that", we separate a part of the Cosmic flow from being embraced into the fold of love.

Energy which is inhibited from flowing is multiplied. Flow which is blocked becomes stagnant. 
By refusing to acknowledge the shadow side of motherhood, I was blocking myself from experiencing the FULL, MIRACULOUS, RIDICULOUS enjoyment which being Mother to this luminous Being offers me.
By refusing to embrace the entire spectrum contained within the multidimensional timeline of this life, both shadow and light, I was multiplying shadow exponentially.

By rejecting the potential of my being a "bad mom", I was setting myself up to be JUST THAT, and fighting against it with greater and greater ferocity... with greater and greater futility.
Eventually shaping the totality of my existence around my "no" to shadow, rather than my "yes" to light.

Until I let go.
Now, in this moment, monumental tidal waves of JOY flow through this Heart, rising to truly EPIC levels.

I am the mom that I am.
I always do my best.
...and my best is ALWAYS good enough.

I am ALL that I am.
I am shadow and light.
I am everything and nothing.
I am grateful.
I am love.

Unity consciousness uplevel, for the WIN.
❤
© EJB 2017